


Ghosts

by IllegalKittens



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Second Person, s4e26
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 18:43:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13619388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllegalKittens/pseuds/IllegalKittens
Summary: drabble about Kathryn Janeway's thoughts on her encounter with Arturis, I guess





	Ghosts

Your mind feels heavy that night.

You had never considered your undying need to return your crew home to be selfish. Maybe you should have. No good deed is ever selfless.

To get them home would mean that you have finally repaid the debt you owed. The knowledge that the people you had stranded were finally safe, that they would once again be able to lie in bed at night with the comfort of knowing they won’t be among unfamiliar stars in their waking. Today you almost got them all assimilated.

The ice in your glass clinks together as you raise the whiskey to your lips. You never were a whiskey drinker, but sometimes change can be necessary. You’ve definitely changed tonight, thanks to Arturis. He forced you to look at yourself from a new perspective. You don't like this perspective.

Before, there was perhaps a chance that you felt somewhat victorious at returning Species 8472 to their fluidic space. You might have felt just a little heroic at preventing their destruction of the Delta Quadrant. Now you feel nothing but the burn of the whiskey in your throat and the crushing guilt for all the people you’ve hurt.

 _I had no choice,_ you might defend yourself in the protection of waking hours when there are people around you to hear. But not during the night. When everyone sleeps, you keep yourself awake. It isn’t hard. The voices of the people’s whose blood is on your hands wouldn’t let you sleep if you even as much as desired to.

 _You pathetic woman,_ they tell you, and you listen. It would be selfish to block them out. Selfish to sleep. To feel. Everything you deserve is everything that has ever made you suffer, all the events that have torn you from the inside out until there wasn’t anything left.

All you have now are your principles, your guilt, and your fear. Oh, there’s so much to fear.

Death is not what keeps you awake. With death there is excitement. You will never admit it, not to anyone, not to yourself, but the threat of death is the reminder that you are alive. It is a reminder that you have anything left to lose. When you are on the bridge, barking orders to your crew, using your brilliant mind to save your them from their downfall, you are given the right to feel. Even for one precious moment, your heart seems to beat.

No, you do not fear death, but there are many things that you do. You fear the Borg. You fear failure. You fear bringing pain to others.

In the past, they seemed unlikely. The Borg was a distant idea. You were too confident to fail. Surely, you would never hurt someone badly enough to have to drink away their ghost. You were wrong. You were always wrong.

Tonight, you drink for Arturis. For his homeworld. You drink until you’re sure you’ve taken a sip for every ghost you have created until you’re finally forced to sleep.

And, when you’re passed out drunk, you finally stop feeling at all.

**Author's Note:**

> i love janeway so much ,, i don't know why i wrote this,, why am i not able to write fluff & give her a gf so she can be happy and gay ,,


End file.
